How to talk to people you disagree with politically
We’ve all seen what happens when everyone’s trying to “win.” Decisions and laws don’t get made. Those that exist are constantly challenged and often reversed, which confuses everyone. Trust erodes. Families, communities, states, nations become violently polarized. The best politicians know how to talk effectively with people who have wildly different views, while staying absolutely true to their own core values.
3 tips for talking with people you disagree with politically
1. Stick to perspectives, not facts or stereotypes.
Of course facts matter. But decades of research shows that people double down when given facts that contradict their beliefs. That’s because humans will do wildly illogical things to avoid the pain of cognitive dissonance. This is true for politicians, and it’s probably true for you. It’s especially true now, when trust in news media and science is low and the World Economic Forum named misinformation as the number-one risk to global stability.
Avoid assumptions. As the org Better Angels puts it, one key to constructive conversations is to “disagree accurately.” Focus on really understanding what someone actually thinks, not what you believe they do.
Stereotypes are all-or-nothing generalizations that keep people defensive. (“They never care about anything but their issue” or “They want to take all our rights away.”) Instead of stereotypes, try using “I statements” to share your own perspective and experience. You can’t argue with lived truth.
2. Find common ground.
When someone feels like you see them as “the other,” walls go up. But research shows that when you find similarities, people become more open.
Let people explain themselves.
Frame your questions in a way that lets people explain themselves (Instead of “why do you believe that?” try “What brought you to your perspective on this?”)
Let people explain themselves instead of forcing them to defend themselves. Instead of “Why do you believe that?” try “What brought you to that perspective?” Ask open-ended questions like, “What matters most to you about this issue?” or “What would you like me to understand about your experience?” When given the opportunity to explain their own reasoning, people may be more likely to re-examine it.
Then: echo their words, acknowledge any pain or frustration, and name anything you genuinely agree with. These moments of connection build trust and help everyone stay grounded in empathy.
3. Disagree with conviction.
You absolutely do not have to pull punches with what you believe and what you’re trying to do. And you shouldn’t. You won’t always find common ground.
Disagree with specifics, not core beliefs. Laws and policies can be changed. Minds and motives, not so much. Attack things that can be changed. The more specific and concrete, the better.
Don’t get triggered if someone resorts to name-calling, changes the subject, hounds the issue, or gets upset. Stay on topic, ignore goading, and agree to disagree in order to move on.
Always bring it back to what you believe and why. Authenticity creates trust. Talk not only about what you think, but also how you genuinely feel and what led you there. Don’t be afraid to share your emotions—but remember to root them in your experience, not anyone else’s. Stay consistent in your values and beliefs as you find common ground.
Real-world examples
Keisha Lance Bottoms: Name common ground
As mayor of Atlanta, Bottoms faced blowback for protests after George Floyd’s death. She shared her fears as the mother of four Black children. “I hurt like a mother would hurt,” she said. “And yesterday when I heard there were rumors about violent protests in Atlanta, I did what a mother would do, I called my son and I said, ‘Where are you?’ I said, ‘I cannot protect you and Black boys shouldn’t be out today.” Her honesty helped her find common ground with her critics.
Jacinda Ardern: Listen and be kind
Ardern was the prime minister of New Zealand when COVID hit. She listened closely to citizens, spoke with empathy about how tough it was for them, and grounded her message in shared concerns for safety. Her approach became known as “the politics of kindness,” and the country weathered the pandemic better than most others.
Julia Gillard: Stand in your truth
The first woman leader of Australia, Gillard often spoke out about sexism. But she faced a crisis in 2013 when the opposition leader, Tony Abbott, accused her of hypocrisy for supporting a politician accused of sexual harassment. Her voice shaking in anger, Gillard revealed that Abbott had harassed her. Her now-famous speech spotlighted structural misogyny and changed the national conversation.
Let’s be for real: This guide won’t magically and immediately heal family rifts, unite a polarized country, or make politicians more efficient. And this approach definitely didn’t shield any of our role models from backlash! But you’ll be surprised by how much more you can get done by looking for agreement first.
And you’ll definitely be surprised by how much better this approach can make you feel. Brene Brown holds that being more compassionate and willing to listen can make you stand more strongly in your own truth and values. “People are hard to hate close up,” she writes. “Move in. Speak truth to bullshit. Be civil. Hold hands. With strangers. Strong back. Soft front. Wild heart.” (Brene’s not a politician … but maybe she should run.)